Conversations I Probably Should Not Be Having with My Children

June 27th, 2011 § 3 comments

Boston is famous for its drivers. We even have a special term for them. They’re called Massholes. For me, personally, though, the word uttered most frequently while driving is “a$$wipe.” I don’t know where the word came from. I don’t know why I say it. I never use the term outside of my car. But inside the car, the a$$wipes fly freely.

Today for example. Driving home from Cambridge. At rush hour. One car cuts me off, another stops at a yellow, and another hangs out in the box.

Me: Godd*amn, motherf&%$* a$$wipe! Freakin’ a$$wipe drivers.

The boy: Why do you call them that?

Me: Because they are. Every freakin’ last one of those drivers out there is an a$$wipe. All drivers are a$$wipes.

The boy: You’re a driver. So you’re an a$$wipe.

Me: Not me. I’m not an a$$wipe. Every other driver is an a$$wipe. And you shouldn’t be saying “a$$wipe.”

The girl: Daddy drives.

Me: Yeah, and he’s an a$$wipe when he drives.

The girl: Are you saying Beetle is an a$$wipe?

Me: No. Well, unless she’s driving. Then, yeah, I guess she’s one too. I don’t think you’re understanding. Everyone who is not me behind a wheel is an a$$wipe.

The girl: Beetle says that her husband is a crazy driver!

Me: Probably is.

The girl: So is he an a$$wipe?

Me: I really don’t think you should be saying that word.

The boy: Yeah. You should say “jacka$$” instead.

Me: No, not that either.

The boy: Why not?

Me: People tend not to like it when you say “a$$” anything.

The boy: What about a$$ idiot?

Me: Yeah, not that either. “A$$” is pretty much out.

The boy: Oh.

Guy freakin’ cuts me off again.

Me: A$$wipe!!

The girl: Mom!

Me: I’m a grown-up! Leave me alone. I’ll give you sugar when we get home.

I’m practicing my parenting speech as I type…. (And how many readers did I lose with this post?)

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§ 3 Responses to Conversations I Probably Should Not Be Having with My Children"

  • Peter says:

    And you were embarrassed to bring your high school friends home because of what your mother might say?

  • Jenny says:

    Unlike my mother, I NEVER curse in front of my children’s friends. EVER. So there.

  • Angela says:

    This was too funny. I’m convinced I become possessed by a demon while driving–things fly out of my mouth without passing through the censorship of my brain all the time. It’s like an out-of-body experience, because I don’t even realize what I said until about a minute afterwards ;o) lol

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