Day 24 of Nanowrimo (challenge: use “”After so many of years of trying to NOT get pregnant who knew it would be so hard to GET pregnant?! Who knew that there are really only about 48 hours of each month in which most of us can get pregnant? Why didn’t they teach us about our fertility limitations during health class? I feel like you’re in a club in which I long to belong — the mommy club”):<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have a brother.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I sat back down and took a sip of my martini. Not bad. Not the best I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d ever had\u00e2\u20ac\u201djust a splash too much of vermouth for that\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut good enough. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have a brother. An older brother.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Older brother?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d My mom looked genuinely confused. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I never figured for that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you mean?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked.<\/p>\n
My mom smiled guiltily. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, I guess I used to fantasize a little about your birth mom.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You did?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked, rather shocked.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d My mom laughed just a little. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I pictured her as a very young woman\u00e2\u20ac\u201dpregnant with you as a teenager. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d find us one day and look at what a wonderful young woman you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve become\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not so young any more,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I interrupted.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153These fantasies happened a long time ago,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d my mother teased. \u00e2\u20ac\u009dBut she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d look at you in awe and tell me that she did the right thing in giving you up, that she was happy I raised you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153This is eye opening,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I said.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What can I say?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d My mom sipped at her wine. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think there was some guilt in your adoption. It happened so fast, and I knew nothing about the birth parents. I always felt a little like it was too good to be true, like I was stealing you away. I always wanted reassurance that I was indeed the better parent for you.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Mom\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I started, but she stopped me.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, no. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not looking to you<\/i> for reassurances. Those days were such a blur and so devastating. I spent all those years\u00e2\u20ac\u201dso many of them!\u00e2\u20ac\u201dtrying not to get pregnant. Who knew it would then be so hard to get pregnant? The things your father and I did\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Um, do I really want to know?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
She shrugged. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re thirty-two years old. Surely you know by now your father and I have sex.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Had sex. Exactly twice. Once when you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get pregnant with me and once when you did get pregnant with Jocelyn.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Alisa, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m trying to have a serious conversation with you here.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know. And I know I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a grown-up. But the idea of you and Dad having sex is still a vastly unappealing one. But go on. I can take it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I tried acupuncture and herbs\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhich weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t very easy to come by in the 70s\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI measured my temperature and check for discharge. Did you know that there are really only forty-eight hours in the month when you can get pregnant? They didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t teach me that in my high school health class. I remember when your aunt, Della, got pregnant. She was three years younger than me and she and your uncle Seth had only been married for three months. They hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even been trying! When Jason was born, I felt like there was some secret mommy club and Della got to be a member but I was being blackballed. I wanted in so badly.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
I took my mom\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand from across the table and gently rubbed it with my thumb. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I know,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I said softly.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153So when the opportunity to adopt you came up, I jumped at it. I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask questions, didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to wonder why it was all happening so quickly. I just wanted to be a mother. Later, I started to imagine things. Why did she give you up? Did she miss you? Who was she? I guess, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just telling you that I fantasized about your birth mother, too, I had pictured her in my mind. Another child never entered the picture. So, what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s this big brother of yours like?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Day 24 of Nanowrimo (challenge: use “”After so many of years of trying to NOT get pregnant who knew it would be so hard to GET pregnant?! Who knew that there are really only about 48 hours of each month in which most of us can get pregnant? Why didn’t they teach us about our […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[50],"class_list":["post-358","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-nanowrimo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/358","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=358"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/358\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jennyandadam.com\/Jenny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}