the pieces of my life

We subscribe to The Week magazine, and this week’s came today, with a picture of Obama and Karzai on the cover, emblazoned with the headline “Shotgun wedding.”

With nary a stumble, the boy took a look at it. “What’s a shotgun wedding?”

I started up with a brilliant move. “Um…. Um…. Um…. What?”

Doodles: “What’s a shotgun wedding?”

Me: “Um. It’s… Well… Um…”

Doodles: “Yes?”

Me: “You know how today all sorts of people have babies? Women by themselves, two women, two men?”

Doodles: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, it was different in the old days. In the old days, there was this idea that if a woman got pregnant without being married, that it was a bad thing. So if a woman got pregnant and she wasn’t married, the idea goes, the woman’s dad would make the man who got the woman pregnant marry her. It was like he took a shotgun and pointed it to the guy and said, ‘Marry my daughter or I’ll shoot you.’ That’s a shotgun wedding.”

Doodles: “Well, what if there wasn’t a guy? What if she had just gone to the sperm bank?”

Me: “Um, that’s a good point.”

Doodles: “And I don’t understand what that has to do with Obama! Why is Obama going to have a shotgun wedding to that guy?”

Me: “Well, it means that he’s being forced into a relationship he may not want with that guy, Karzai, the president of Afghanistan.”

Doodles, thinks a moment. “So why is Obama having a wedding?”

To which I give the age-old response: “Who wants dinner?” And I hid the magazine.

I want to start tonight with my faux-pumpkin bars. They were fabulous, and highly unappreciated in this house, although when I went to give a bunch of the leftovers to our neighbors, my boy did panic and say, “You’re not going to give all of it away are you?” They were spectacular faux-pumpkin bars. Once a week, we get a delivery from Boston Organics, a box full of organic fruits and veggies, and I’m on a quest to actually use all the items we get. (Never fear–it never goes to waste. I fondly call Beetle, my neighbor, our human garbage disposal, as she’s always game to take any food that will be uneaten in our household.) I’m also trying to cook as many meatless meals as possible, something which is not going over that well with the rest of my household members (read: Adam). For instance, on Wednesday we had a lovely cauliflower and tomato curry-like dish that I enjoyed and Adam tolerated. And today we had my lovely bars, a recipe I found online and then tweaked to perfection, replacing the pumpkin with organic delicata squash (hence the faux), mixing up the sugars, removing the chocolate chips and adding a cream cheese frosting. Mmmmm!

And now let’s move on to my faux-healthy daughter. She fools me every day, acting healthy and chipper and happy and then–wham!–at night, she has aches and pains that keep her for hours on end. Last night she awoke at 2 a.m., saying her “brain hurt.” Uh oh,, I thought. Here it comes. Piggy flu. Sudden onset. Headaches. But then she woke up with a lovely 98.7 degree temperature and an upbeat attitude. She went to school. On Friday we have our special Mommy-Pie time, as she’s done at noon and we have no activities till we pick up Doodles at 2:15. Today we went on a “hike” (read: woodsy walk), stopping frequently to read the book du jour, Chicken Soup with Rice. At the end of the hike, we had to walk up a small hill. And my daughter–the one I had always thought of as suspiciously smart–announces, “I’m going to roll up the hill!”

“You mean down,” I said.

“No!” She looked at me like I was crazy. “Up!” And then she proceeded to roll up this rather steep hill. Tonight Adam said to her, “You thought you could roll up a hill?” and she laughed at him and replied, “Daddy! I did it!”

And tonight, she’s in bed, with not quite a fever, but verging on one, snoring loudly and crying out in her sleep every now and then. So frustrating! We’re supposed to have a special Mommy-Daughter trip next weekend–I hope she’s healthy enough to go.

And now let’s end with faux time. Which is what I had today, after I dropped Pie off at school, ran some errands, and hurried home to get a few things done. But then I giddly looked at my watch and realized I had accomplished everything I needed to do faster than I thought and I had a precious whole forty-five minutes to write! It’s Nanowrimo month, and I’ve consciously decided not to participate as I don’t want to start something new; I want to finish something old. So I sat down at my computer… and saw I was late to pick up Pie. Huh? Look at computer. Look at watch. Look at computer again. Look at… stopped watch. Damn.

No more faux. Off to sleep. I’m hoping for the real deal.

What happens when you make apple muffins in the shape of pumpkins? You confuse the hell out of six-year-old boys.

Halloween is not my favorite holiday. My childhood memories are not to be relied upon, but I remember it feeling very stressful, this whole dressing up. It always seemed to be some last minute scramble and I’d end up as a ghost (with the entire face cut out so I could see) or a gypsy, anything that could be made from things we already had in the house.

As an adult, I haven’t been able to embrace it. Dressing up in costume just bores me. I mean, it’s not any different than regular dressing up and I hate that too.

This year, though, I decided to embrace a different aspect of it. I do like decorating the house. And I like cooking. So this year, we had a couple of kids over for dinner, and for them I made fingers (mozzarella cheese with green peppers), mouths (apples with almonds), and (work with me on this one) a monster brain (I know–I really need to work on that one). And of course the main dish was mummy dogs, a popular dish around here. For the grown-ups I made blood drinks (sangria), eyeballs (marinated mozzarella with olives), and spider dip (just seven-layer dip with a really lame spider web drawn on it).

After dinner the kids went trick or treating. They enjoyed themselves, but were quite happy to turn their candy over to the Switch Witch. I gorged myself silly on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and Heath Bars. I still feel sick from it.

All in all, an okay time on my not-favorite holiday. Maybe I’ll figure out some more fun recipes for next year. In the meantime, we now move on to my absolute favorite holiday: Thanksgiving! Turkey and parades and races and football and hot mulled cider. Does it get any better than that?

When we were in Israel, we had an amazing youth counselor, Miriam. Miriam is a warm American-born, Israeli-raised Orthodox young woman. She’s visiting the Boston area, staying with her grandparents and I invited her over for lunch. I went to the Stop and Shop in the next town over, where there’s a kosher bakery. I picked up fruit and paper plates and plastic cutlery because, as any reader of this blog knows, we don’t keep a kosher home. If anything, we keep treif. Not that we eat it that often–for health reasons I actually like to serve as little meat as possible. I can’t remember the last time we had pork. Actually I do. It was Adam’s birthday. Last December.

Because Miriam is studying Jewish education in America, I invited her to observe one of the Hebrew school classes at our conservative synagogue. So after, she said hi to the kids and followed us in her own car back to our house. In our car, Doodles asked me, “Is Miriam kosher?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“So does that mean we’ll be having a kosher lunch?”

Between our synagogue, our trip to Israel, dinners at our rabbis’ houses, and hosting a synagogue event at our house, the boy is well aware of the basic tenants of kashrut. “Yes,” I said, and he asked no more.

Back at the house, Miriam and I sit down and start to catch up while we wait for Adam to return with Starbucks (which is kosher). Doodles walks into the family room where we’re chatting. Sweet as can be, he gives us a big smile. “Mom?” he asks nicely.

“Yes, Sweetie?”

With a big grin, he asks me, “Where’s the bacon?”

That kid. That’s all I can really say. That kid.

Today I made it into Doodles’s classroom to help with pumpkin carving. Luckily most of the class was back–for the past week most kids have been out sick. Well, maybe not most, but half. Literally (and we know I don’t mess around with the word “literally”). Out of 18 kids and 2 teachers, yesterday 9 kids and 1 teacher were out sick. Can anyone say “Treyf flu”?

But going into the class was really fun, even if Doodles does act up specially for me. The kids drew their own designs and I carved them onto the pumpkin for them. While we were working (other parents were there too to help), the teacher put on some Halloween music. Irresistible Halloween music. There was no stopping anyone from getting up and shaking a tush, to the point that by the end, the teachers were teaching the kids how to do the dance to “Thriller.”

The song stuck in my head, and when we got home, against my own better judgment, I decided to show the “Thriller” video to the kids. I know it’s scary, but, hey! The kids are in our bed anyway. Might as well have some fun with it.

Tab is over and so I gathered them around the computer and YouTubed it for them. Big mistake. Not because it was scary. But because the questions came fast and furious. “Why is his arm falling off? How was he a person and then he was a dead and then he was a person again? Why are they chasing her? I don’t understand–is he a person or is he dead?”

And the questions haven’t stopped. So, yes, “Thriller” was scary. But only for me.

So I had jury duty. My civic duty. (Duty! I said, “Doodie! Ha ha ha ha ha!”) I received the notice and thought indignantly, “They can’t call me! I already served!” And then I checked my files and noticed that I had served 3 years and 10 days ago. You can be called every 3 years. They so have my number.

It was fine. The court is conveniently located, although I found it disconcerting when I walked in and the security guards let me in with a “She’s not a criminal” and a “Remember: Guilty, guilty, guilty!” Only jury members are allowed in the courthouse before 8:30 a.m., so the folks who were waiting to go in were clearly there for some sort of trial. Something just seemed wrong about the security guard’s comments.

Anyway, I entered a small room of people. I had lucky number 11. I sat. And sat. And sat. Did a crossword puzzle. Read a book I’m really enjoying. Then we watched a video on the jury system. Now, I know that it’s horrible to pick on people with any kind of disability, but really: Reshoot that damn video. To have the superior court judge open up the video on how to perform at jury duty was just torture in a snickering kind of way. The woman has a lisp that makes her sound incwedibwy wike Baba Wawa. And, remarkably, I’m the only one with a 12 year old’s sense of humor and the only one who sat smirking in the corner.

Then it was time to impanel the jury. We had to answer “Present” when our name was called. One guy didn’t say present. He was excused from jury. Eight folks sat on the jury (after evidence had been presented, lots who have been drawn to see which two of the eight would be alternates). Guy who didn’t say “Present” was of course excused. Jurors 4 and 6 were no shows. So guess who got lucky seat number 8?

I actually thought it would be fun, and I didn’t mind. I had childcare arranged for the afternoon. I was a little worried when they said there was a possibility the trial could go into the next day, as I’m scheduled to carve pumpkins in Doodles’s classroom and then take the kids to Adam’s office Halloween party, but I certainly could have managed.

So it was going to be an interesting experience. Except. Except. Except it wasn’t. The assistant D.A. seemed like a nice enough guy, but he was clearly a total neophyte. He’d barely breathe before the defense attorney said, “Objection!” and the judge said, “Sustained.” That poor defense attorney never got her tushie in the seat, she was up so much objecting. The assistant D.A. would lose his place or his train of thought. I felt like I was sitting in an SNL satire of Boston. The accents! The detective showed up in–no joke–a trench coat. The police officer was clearly nervous. And the defendant was a Boston stereotype if ever one existed. And before the trial even got good–before we found out who “Bruno” was; yes! there was a “Bruno!”–the trial ended on some procedural point, of which we could not be informed. Blah.

But now I’m in the clear for the next three years. And I’ve done my civic duty. Doodie. Heh heh. Still makes me laugh.

Courtesy of Adam:
Mylie Cyrus/Hannah Montana – check
Beyonce – check
Project Runway – check
Mama Mia – check

Next time you catch Pie singing “Single Ladies,” you’ll know she’s right in step with the rest of American little girls.

I’ve been getting grief from my father (hi, Peter!) for not blogging. I’m not completely sure why I’m not blogging, but I haven’t. Part of it is that I am writing, just not for you. I’ve been working steadily away on my novel. I’m at a rough place in it at the moment, not sure if it’s all gelling together. I need to just plug away at it. Part of it is also that I’ve lost that snark factor. Now that I have kids, I feel like I can’t let my bitch out. It’s one thing to alienate my friends; it’s something else to alienate my kids’ friends. But I go through this blogging crisis about once a year and the fact is that it’s been eight years I’ve been doing this, which is longer than I’ve done almost anything else in my life. The only thing more consistent in my life is Adam, as I’ve been with him for almost ten years. But I’ve never lived in a single place for eight years. I’ve never had a job for eight years. Eight years is something to be reckoned with, so here I am.

And right now is my writing time. I should be working on my novel. But my darling daughter pulled the old “I’m healthy but now you can’t send me to school” trick. Last night the boy was trying to get out of homework. Pie had just gotten home from a playdate and was cranky, but nothing out of the ordinary. But the boy! Oh the moaning, the groaning. “I can’t do my homework! My head hurts! I’m sick!” I feel his forehead.

“You’re fine,” I tell him.

“Nooooo! I’m sick! Take my temperature.”

Which I dutifully do. And he’s a lovely 98.4. Pie is standing there. “Shall we take your temperature, too, while I’m standing here?”

She agrees and I take her temperature. 102.5. I do a double take and take her and his temperature three more times, certain something is wrong with the thermometer. But no, she’s sick. Just doesn’t seem like it other than a cold.

So now I’m sitting on the couch as she overdoses on TV. We started with High School Musical: “The girl with the lipstick and the sparkly shirt, who’s hanging with the boy? That’s who I am. What’s her name? Gabriella? That’s who I am. I the character of her and the person of her [meaning Vanessa Hudgens].” Now we’re on to Berenstain Bears. She’s anxious to go out–because of course she’s had no fever all morning–but I can’t in these panic-y swine flu times take her anywhere where there might be children, so she’s won the TV lottery for today. Given Pie’s Law of Health, she’ll be chipper and happy all day, till about 5 p.m. when her fever is guaranteed to return.

In the meantime, I can leave you with just a few of the things that have been keeping me away from the blog:

For the first time, we built a sukkah. We have our lovely remodeled house, with an ample backyard and a place to store the sukkah in the off-season. So it was time. “What size should we get?” Adam asked me.

I looked over the Sukkah Project web site. “I think we should get the easy snap together kind.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I was told. “It has to be made with lumber. Or else you’re just cheating. What size?”

“Um, 8 by 12 should be fine.”

“No, too small.”

“Okay, 12 by 10.”

So what does he order? 12 by 16. We need a bigger table to fill it, but it was nice as we hosted Shabbat and two kid-oriented meals in the sukkah. I’d show you pictures of Adam and Doodles building the sukkah, but somehow I’ve misplaced all my September photos.

The rain finally took a long enough break to get to apple picking. We went nice and early on Columbus Day to beat the crowd. We arrive, and I go to buy the small bag to fill. “We’ll fill that in no time. We need a bigger bag,” Adam insists (are you seeing a theme here?). So we get the bigger bag. Only Pie loses interests and she and Adam wonder off leaving me to haul around a honking big heavy bag of apples that I still haven’t used up.

Recognize that player in the blue fleece? I got so confused when I saw her out there, given that last year, that was the boy’s fleece, so I kept thinking I was looking at him. But that girl really held her own and did just great. The boy is amazing, how much he’s improved since last year. Poor Adam: Doodles made the advanced beginner’s group, which meets from 8:50 to 9:30 and Pie is in the beginner’s group, which meets from 9:50 to 10:30, so he gets to spend his entire morning at the rink, while I’m off running. That’s what you get for saying, “Oh, hockey and the early, cold hours at the rink don’t bother me.”

And now, now it’s time to be a Mom again. To change the channel and make princess soup for Pie and to bake my next apple creation: Spiced Caramel Apple Upside Down Cake. Perhaps I’ll try to sneak in a bit of noveling today. You never now.

So, yes, I’m still here. At lea
st for the time being.

We’ve begun to conquer Pie’s separation anxiety. First we tried sending her to school with a tape recorder that had a message from me. Then we tried a letter from me. She took a book with her. Next we tried her stuffed hippo. Then, finally, we found what works and has worked all week:

She brings her purse. And in her purse is a tissue. And a lipstick. And when she’s feeling sad, she puts on a little lipstick on. And, voila! She feels better.

And, yes. She’s four.

Oh. Dear. Lord. I’m out of my league here.

We played Two Truths and a Lie at dinner tonight. We were having a nice dinner, as the day actually wasn’t bad at all. For my turn:

Me: Today I saw M.’s mom at the YMCA when I went to workout; today I went to Starbucks to have coffee because no one made me any coffee at home; today I returned two SIGG bottles to Whole Foods.
Pie: SIGG bottles.
Adam: M’s mom.
Doodles: Starbucks.

Starbucks was the logical answer, as Adam conveniently left early to go to the gym, but didn’t set up the coffeemaker for me. And I don’t make coffee. Just don’t. Don’t know why. Just don’t.

Me: Doodles is right.
Pie: So you didn’t have coffee at Starbucks?
Me: No.
Pie: Then where did you have your coffee?
Me: Nowhere. I didn’t have any coffee today.
Doodles: Oooh! That’s why you were cranky today!